It’s been a long time since I’ve written a proper blog post and I think it pretty much boils down to not having enough time and having other priorities which I have to attend to. Looking back at it, I had a lot of extra time when I was younger–enough that I could post regularly to this blog and actually do some background research for those blog posts at the same time. And now–well, as I’ve told someone recently, I feel like I’m being pulled in multiple directions at the same time. If it isn’t one MUST NEED TO DO CRISIS, it’s another. And this holiday season? Definitely not letting up.
Anyways, this weekend, I have taken a few hours here and there to not do any work or deal with other obligations. On one of the forums I read, someone started a thread asking “What’s your favorite Christmas song?” Normally, this is something I don’t think about because no one asks me this question in real life, but for some reason, I did stop for more than a few moments and tried to think about this and I didn’t come up with anything.
I’m not religious and I think of myself as more agnostic than anything else, but I did grow up having to go to church every Sunday. At the time, to me at least, it was something that people had to do every Sunday. I didn’t have any friends at church–it was all very cliquey and no one seemed to be practicing what they preached. I didn’t view any of the adults as particularly kind–they were all too busy comparing whose kid was better or smarter than the others. Too much bragging about whose son or daughter ended up going to medical school, I guess. On an intellectual level, I understand there are a lot of people who get spiritual comfort from religion. But on a practical level, it just seemed like the problems of society magnified in a situation where arbitrary rules held sway.
As for the Christmas songs–I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s my own psychological hang-ups that prevent me from naming any “favorite” songs. It probably started when I was four or five and my parents put me into the choir to sing for Christmas. I remember being very confused and not knowing any of the lyrics–at the time, my grasp of English was probably still very shaky. I still suck at lyrics. I can’t recall any unless a song has been playing non-stop for months and even then, I’ll still forget. I think subconsciously, I know memorizing lyrics is a bullshit activity that won’t benefit me one whit, so why bother.
Related to that are Christmas piano recitals. I enjoy playing the piano and my parents would have never sprung for piano lessons if I hadn’t asked for them. But man, piano recitals are the worst because it’s always expected that the performer memorizes the pieces. While there is a certain source of anxiety involved in, say, playing Mozart or Brahms–unless most of the audience are absolute classical fanatics, it’s easy to gloss over mistakes without anyone being the wiser. Christmas songs, though, everyone knows. And if you forget–EVERYONE WILL KNOW IMMEDIATELY. And not only do I suck at memorizing lyrics, I also suck at memorizing music in general so you can imagine how nerve wracking recitals were even though I tried to hide this from everyone.
So, that’s why I don’t have a favorite Christmas song. I don’t hate them, because it’s not the songs’ fault, but I don’t have a particular love of them either. I try to avoid places that play Christmas music too early and I do not listen to Christmas music in my spare time either except for maybe on Christmas Day in very small doses. These days, calm meditation-like music has a better effect on my mood than anything else.